It hurts.

I don't know why it's been so hard this last few weeks, well I kind of do, but that's putting blame on something that I have no control of, and I shouldn't be doing that anyways.

Basically since last Saturday, I have had a total of 3.5 mental break downs. Okay, not really mental break downs, more so crying hysterically and writhing in self pity- wait, maybe that is the same as a mental break down: )

Anyways...

Firstly I'll start off with this:
I've NEVER EVER had a dream about being pregnant, having a baby, giving birth, or holding my own baby. Ever.
I'm the type of person who literally dreams about EVERYTHING especially if it has something do with with a conversation I had, something I think about constantly, something upcoming- you know EVERYTHING. But not this.
I even asked my accupuncturist if she thought that meant anything, she said probably not. But I even dream about things that will eventually orare about to happen, but again, not pregnancy; so I just added that into another reason it probably would never happen: (
Then a little over a week ago I had my very first pregnancy dream! It basically was just an image of an ultrasound picture with a tiny embryotic form of a baby and a placenta sac. That was it.
I literally woke up with my jaw dropped. I got my hopes up.
The next night I didn't dream of my baby.
But the night after, I had a dream where Jeff and I were walking into my doctors office, holding hands, and were taken back to the ultrasound room- where *the picture on the screen was the same picture that I had seen in my previous dream* It was crazy. Now I'm more excited.
Then there were no more dreams for a few days, and then the last one I've had happened, and it was the actual birth of our baby (which surprisingly took place in our home, and Jeff slept through the entire thing.. haha), and the rest of the dream was me watching me hold this tiny, beautiful, sweet baby in my arms.
It filled me with so much hope and excitement!

But 4 pregnancy tests probably don't lie, they are all BIG FAT NEGATIVES: (

I thought I was over being super upset and sad, apparently not.
To top it off, I'm a few days late (probably due to crying uncontrollably for close to 4 days straight), but each day it's not there, I get a spark of hopefullness.

I've turned to three books lately:
Every Drunken Cheerleader: Why Not Me by Kristine Waits
Empty Womb, Aching Heart by Marlo Schalesky
Where is God When it Hurts- Philip Yancey

I'm hoping these calm my soul.

I think I'm done venting now: )