...

I'm watching old re-runs of the original 16 and pregnant.
I thought I was once again over this feeling of emptyness, jealousy and sadness when I watch shows like this, or seeing pregnant women, hearing someone else just got pregnant, seeing people post pregnancy pictures, pictures of their brand new babies, or seeing that girls just had their babies. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but it just reminds me that it's been another 9 months and I'm still not pregnant. I hate feeling like this. I feel like a failure. It makes me feel like I'm not really a woman...

Last night was the first time in 2 cycles that I POAS. I knew it was a horrible idea.

Painting stripes on walls,

is probably one of the most stupid idea's I've ever had.

I'll update this with before, after the accident, fixing the accident and the final outcome: )

On a better note, ALL OF OUR STUFF ARRIVED YESTERDAY! We've been so busy putting everything away and realizing even more, how much we miss living in our house: ( But! This will do for now!

We've been meeting all of the neighbors in our building the last few days, and I think we really lucked out! They all seem exceptionally wonderful! I have a feeling the woman underneath me is going to be my stand in gramma, I think we're going to bond: ) The couple to the side of us are great too! They are much closer in age to us than everyone else in our building, they actually brought us over jello shots last night because "they felt we needed a break from unpacking" haha! It was really sweet of them!

Well, I think we're going to load the truck up for a goodwill run!

All I see is..

BULBS.

Daffodil bulbs to be more precise. That's all. I'm not kidding. After spending the last 2 days grading, all I've been able to dream about this last night was watching bulbs roll by on a conveyor belt.
Don't think I'm complaining, because I seriously LOVE this part of the season. Okay. There honestly isn't any part of flower season that I don't like. I've come to terms with the fact a few years ago that I LOVE ANYTHING about flowers: )

I'm really going to miss flower farming with my family for the next so many years: (

While I was hand -trucking empty boxes to another part of our barn, I re-came across these: )

These have been on the walls of our barn for over 25 years: )

The last one is how I'm feeling right about now: ) I love it!

Amazing!

I just jumped on the pinterest band wagon. It's amazing!!!
Whose going to win my love now? Stumbleupon or Pinterest: )
Stay tuned to find out: )

Love

I don't know what it's been lately, but the last few months, I feel so full of love. My heart literally feels like it might burst if I don't spread it around. It's been so hard for me not to go up to people and touch their arms to transfer it to them. Also, reminding myself that people view that as creepy and something only a non-sane person would do deters me from it as well: ) But it's to the point that it's invading my dreams! I dream that I am hugging everyone I love and care about in my life, if they're going through a hard time or feeling overwhelmed, and transfering love to them.

I love A LOT of people and things, so I honestly have no idea how I have so much love on hand! Actually, I kind of think I have an idea why; I don't want to sound egotistical, but I have a lot of people that love me, admire me, respect me, and support me. I've actually never been more aware of this until now, and I think that God wanted to show me that even in super stressful situations, stress doesn't and shouldn't matter if you're surrounded by love and support. All this love that I have is really an amazingly wonderfully unique feeling, but I wish I could just pass it out to everyone I come into contact with that looks like they aren't having the best day, moment, year, decade, etc. So instead of hugging, pressing my heart to their heart or touching someone's arm, I've came up with other ways to spread it around, and it seems to be working: )

I LOVE giving compliments. It's probably one of my favorite activities at the moment! I love the feeling you get back when you can tell someone's having a rough-around-the-edges kind of day, and if I tell them one positive thing that really stands out to me about them, their whole aura changes to happy! It makes me happy! I like to keep images of their smiles in my head: ) It makes me smile later when I think about it: )

I really like helping strangers, whether it's with directions, beautiful places to see in the area, fun things to do, unloading groceries onto the conveyor belt, pushing their cart to their car, recommending a good book, looking for something that's misplaced, or opening a door for them, anything that gets a smile: )




Wow, re-reading this, I probably shouldn't post this. But I will: ) Hopefully this passes on love to someone, who can pass on love to someone else: )

Soon I will post a follow-up to my previous post of things I love: )

Wanna know what's gross?

Good, because I'm going to tell you.

What's gross- having a blocked salivary gland.
Why?- It occasionally pusses into your mouth, and it's stringy and thick. Wow, actually writing this making me gag even more than when it actually happens. VOMIT.

I totally made fun of my sister when it happened to her, but I realize now, it's not funny. It's discusting: )
okay, kind of funny: )

It hurts.

I don't know why it's been so hard this last few weeks, well I kind of do, but that's putting blame on something that I have no control of, and I shouldn't be doing that anyways.

Basically since last Saturday, I have had a total of 3.5 mental break downs. Okay, not really mental break downs, more so crying hysterically and writhing in self pity- wait, maybe that is the same as a mental break down: )

Anyways...

Firstly I'll start off with this:
I've NEVER EVER had a dream about being pregnant, having a baby, giving birth, or holding my own baby. Ever.
I'm the type of person who literally dreams about EVERYTHING especially if it has something do with with a conversation I had, something I think about constantly, something upcoming- you know EVERYTHING. But not this.
I even asked my accupuncturist if she thought that meant anything, she said probably not. But I even dream about things that will eventually orare about to happen, but again, not pregnancy; so I just added that into another reason it probably would never happen: (
Then a little over a week ago I had my very first pregnancy dream! It basically was just an image of an ultrasound picture with a tiny embryotic form of a baby and a placenta sac. That was it.
I literally woke up with my jaw dropped. I got my hopes up.
The next night I didn't dream of my baby.
But the night after, I had a dream where Jeff and I were walking into my doctors office, holding hands, and were taken back to the ultrasound room- where *the picture on the screen was the same picture that I had seen in my previous dream* It was crazy. Now I'm more excited.
Then there were no more dreams for a few days, and then the last one I've had happened, and it was the actual birth of our baby (which surprisingly took place in our home, and Jeff slept through the entire thing.. haha), and the rest of the dream was me watching me hold this tiny, beautiful, sweet baby in my arms.
It filled me with so much hope and excitement!

But 4 pregnancy tests probably don't lie, they are all BIG FAT NEGATIVES: (

I thought I was over being super upset and sad, apparently not.
To top it off, I'm a few days late (probably due to crying uncontrollably for close to 4 days straight), but each day it's not there, I get a spark of hopefullness.

I've turned to three books lately:
Every Drunken Cheerleader: Why Not Me by Kristine Waits
Empty Womb, Aching Heart by Marlo Schalesky
Where is God When it Hurts- Philip Yancey

I'm hoping these calm my soul.

I think I'm done venting now: )